Hey there Reader.

A few weeks ago, I was guiding a group of people through an inner journey.

I usually stand as I speak. I also move my hands quite a bit, especially if there’s energy work involved, which makes me feel a bit ashamed. I’m afraid people will think I’m weird, in a bad way.

One person in that group had their eyes open. It happens.

But this time, I became self-conscious. They saw me move my hands.

I concluded the meditation, and moved on to questions.

I was explaining something to the person who had their eyes open, and I heard myself say:

“Now, this is not woo-woo stuff, it’s real science!”

I still cringe when I think back on it. Why would I say such a thing? It felt like a deep self-betrayal.

I am woo-woo. People call me a witch, a shaman, a psychic. I don’t love or condone all things woo-woo, but I’m spiritual in my bones.

AND. I am fascinated by science. I don’t love or condone all things science, but I can get really excited by scientific stuff that bore others to death.

It’s not a matter of faith. I don’t believe in either of them. I choose to explore them to understand human experience on a deeper and broader level.

In my world however, spirituality is not easily accepted.

So, I got scared, became wobbly and said the “wrong thing”.

It might seem like nothing to you, but a few years ago, it would have created a self-destructive chain reaction that would take weeks to unpack and soothe.

I’d become depressed, retreat, berate myself for being a failure, decide that I need to keep my thoughts to myself and stay away from people (a historically great idea!), binge eat and drink alcohol, feel even more ashamed, and repeat the cycle over and over again.

This is no longer the case. It has much lesser impact and takes a fraction of time to resolve.

Of course, the past is the past. It will find ways to pop its head and try to take the wheel, even if you’re the most chill person out there.

So, what can you do about it?

I know you don’t want to be influenced by your environment, you don’t want other people or situations to derail you.

I also know that you know a lot of things about yourself by now. But for some reason, you still catch yourself reacting in ways that you don’t like.

And you do the work. You revisit, you reflect, you see the pattern, have the realization, learn the lesson and - though there is improvement - that’s where it usually stops. The reaction is mostly still the same.

There’s an important step between comprehending and changing a behavior.

It’s prepping. Creating systems that can support you next time.

Not by trying to imagine all possible scenarios in future interactions and figuring out strategies for each one.

This is your mind galloping ahead with fear as fuel and disaster as certain outcome.

It’s important to bring the body into play.

By figuring out what you want to feel like and what you need to get there.

Creating a support system for yourself might be taking 5 minutes before a meeting to breathe, or jump up and down.

Holding an object that makes you feel confident and powerful.

Imagining a person that has your back.

There’s many ways to create support for yourself, and it looks different for each one of us.

The question, as I see it, is not whether you can remain unaffected by what happens around you.

But how you can be you and at the same time feel safe as you interact with others.

To stretch it even further –

How to enjoy being yourself and doing what you love amidst life.

Love,

Elena

PS: Did this spark any questions, memories or ideas for you? Hit reply and let me know!

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